Only Counting Up from Here

3/24/18 was a beautiful day for a wedding.

His Vows: (the ones that were beautiful and inspiring from the moment he wrote them)

I vow to listen carefully to what you say and honor your silence,

to keep your dreams alive and our love aflame,

to keep your treasures safe and time appreciated.

I vow to hold you through nightmares and tragic days,

to rub your feet and pull your hair.

I vow to remember that being kind is more important than being right,

to clean when you cook and fold when you wash,

to take you to concerts and movies I don’t necessarily like.

I vow to play scrabble and binge Netflix.

I vow resilience and fortitude even when no one is watching.

I vow sincerity, hope and humor.

I vow to guide our children by example,

to strengthen and defend their hearts and minds

to offer freedom to make their lives an adventure.

My Vows: (the ones that took some time and a few drafts and ultimately were finished the night before the big day in the wee hours.)

I vow to listen with patience and respond with kindness,

to care for you when you’re sick and impossible,

to have the conversation even when it’s hard.

I vow to make fires to warm us when it’s cold,

to cook for you as long as you dance with me in the kitchen.

I vow to drive to destinations near and far as long as you sing along with me,

to save our money and invest in adventure.

I vow to laugh at your jokes even when no one else does,

to be your big spoon when you’re little and little spoon when you’re big.

I vow to lead in times of need and follow when your heart is sure.

Do you, Jay, come here today of your own free will, to promise to support Mandy in all that she does? Through happy and sad, good diets and bad, dislocated shoulders and daughterly disputes? And to consider her as part of yourself in all that you think and all that you do?

Do you, Mandy, come here to day of your own free will, promise to have Jay’s back where ever life leads him? Through sickness and health, sunlit beaches and darkened alleys, dive bars and dragon-cons? And to consider him as part of yourself in all that you think and all that you do?

And do all of us promise to welcome the marriage of Mandy and Jay into our own lives, individually and as a community, through bliss and sorrow, turmoil and calm, backyard barbecues and late night dance parties for as long as they both so wish?

BOOM!!!! And then we walked into the forest together– and eventually wound up here!

It’s official. There’s no turning back now. This man married me, and I married him. No more days left to count down– only counting up from here.

Here’s to day number one.

Things are continuously evolving…

We’re at 12 days and counting here, folks… Getting to that point of no return…

Today was glorious. The sun was singing in the sky and everyone was walking around about two inches taller than they were a week ago in the rain. There was nothing to hide from today. It was a bust your windows wide open and sing to the world kind of day– so that’s what I did! We opened the garage door at the studio and blasted the new soundtrack to my life through mat class today. Ayla Nereo, Hollow Bones.

Her brilliant music filled the studio. There was a light breeze outside whipping through the space occasionally, blowing in an errant leaf. It was a magical environment. In one short hour we moved Winter out of the studio and Spring in.

I wondered all day what I would write about today– there was nothing jumping out at me related to the wedding. (except all the lists in my head) It was a long day of work. I finished up a little before 7 and picked up my partner on my way home. As i pulled up to the house I told him I had received a text from my ex-husband and I needed to give him a call. “But at least I’m not dreading it– like I used to…” I said getting out of the car. “That’s good.” He agreed. I’ve turned a major corner with my first husband. I used to brace myself when I got a text that he wanted to talk. My mind would begin to run away with me, taking me to all sorts of unlikely places in surmising what he wanted to talk about. There’s a history there. But things are not like they used to be. Things are continuously evolving.

I sat down on the couch and dialed his number, he answered and our daughter immediately began talking to me. They were in the car on their way home. I talked to her for a few minutes and then they arrived home and he and I began our conversation in earnest. He wanted to talk to me about logistics with our kids, and other things as well. He talked to me about a hard time he had been having with something and I found myself full of sympathy for him, feeling angry at the injustices portrayed against him. This corner we’ve turned feels massive, so large it took several years for me to even acknowledge that there was an other side. But now I’m standing over here and wondering why and how it took me so long… (though it is what it is, and I’m just glad I made it).

We talked for awhile longer, strategizing different things related to our kids, I relayed a couple of stories that seemed particularly pertinent about our son to him. And then as the conversation was coming towards a close he said, “I had a really good time the other night.” He and my partner went out for drinks one night last week after my ex-husband sent a welcome-to-the-family-let’s-get-a-drink text. They were out for a couple of hours, each of them finally gaining a clearer perspective on the other.

Then he said– “Congratulations. It’s a big deal, you deciding to do it again.”He would know. Better than anyone.

And for a long period of time I had some serious doubts about whether I ever would.

“I’m really glad you found someone who makes you happy.”

And he is.

He wants the best for me, just as I want the best for him. We’re on the same team, members of the same tribe. And despite all of my insistence over the last seven years to the contrary, we are family. We embarked on an adventure together when we were just babies and shared an innocent and naive love that didn’t understand how to grow past its infancy. We bound ourselves to each other for stability and to create a rudder between the two of us. We created a life together and brought two phenomenal human beings onto the planet. For a short time it was just the two of us against the world, and then there were three… and then there were four…

We were a powerful and dynamic force together until we weren’t.

I can’t imagine my life without his being intertwined in it. He is my baby daddy. Both of my children have all of his best qualities and a few of his worst. They came away with the same from me. As the years wear on, as our children continue to grow, the need for us to be in close contact wanes. But he is my family, and his blessing for my marriage means the world. He knows I don’t step into this commitment lightly. He knows what my word means. He understands perhaps better than anyone that this time around, I’m doing it forever.