Only Counting Up from Here

3/24/18 was a beautiful day for a wedding.

His Vows: (the ones that were beautiful and inspiring from the moment he wrote them)

I vow to listen carefully to what you say and honor your silence,

to keep your dreams alive and our love aflame,

to keep your treasures safe and time appreciated.

I vow to hold you through nightmares and tragic days,

to rub your feet and pull your hair.

I vow to remember that being kind is more important than being right,

to clean when you cook and fold when you wash,

to take you to concerts and movies I don’t necessarily like.

I vow to play scrabble and binge Netflix.

I vow resilience and fortitude even when no one is watching.

I vow sincerity, hope and humor.

I vow to guide our children by example,

to strengthen and defend their hearts and minds

to offer freedom to make their lives an adventure.

My Vows: (the ones that took some time and a few drafts and ultimately were finished the night before the big day in the wee hours.)

I vow to listen with patience and respond with kindness,

to care for you when you’re sick and impossible,

to have the conversation even when it’s hard.

I vow to make fires to warm us when it’s cold,

to cook for you as long as you dance with me in the kitchen.

I vow to drive to destinations near and far as long as you sing along with me,

to save our money and invest in adventure.

I vow to laugh at your jokes even when no one else does,

to be your big spoon when you’re little and little spoon when you’re big.

I vow to lead in times of need and follow when your heart is sure.

Do you, Jay, come here today of your own free will, to promise to support Mandy in all that she does? Through happy and sad, good diets and bad, dislocated shoulders and daughterly disputes? And to consider her as part of yourself in all that you think and all that you do?

Do you, Mandy, come here to day of your own free will, promise to have Jay’s back where ever life leads him? Through sickness and health, sunlit beaches and darkened alleys, dive bars and dragon-cons? And to consider him as part of yourself in all that you think and all that you do?

And do all of us promise to welcome the marriage of Mandy and Jay into our own lives, individually and as a community, through bliss and sorrow, turmoil and calm, backyard barbecues and late night dance parties for as long as they both so wish?

BOOM!!!! And then we walked into the forest together– and eventually wound up here!

It’s official. There’s no turning back now. This man married me, and I married him. No more days left to count down– only counting up from here.

Here’s to day number one.

A Completely New Page

These days seem to be getting longer each one a bit more than the last– or perhaps I’m just existing within a strange time warp. The awesome part of this time warp however is that it seems to be in my favor. I feel effective and efficient and as though time is slowing down to accommodate me and all the things I have to get done. The universe is giving me a gift and I am accepting it with open arms and immense gratitude. Through a fortunate series of events I only ended up seeing one client today. With the rest of the day all my own I focused my full attention on procuring wedding wares.

After I completed said procurement I got out my trusty Instantpot and got to cooking some carnitas. We are one step closer to a completed taco bar (though we did end up eating some of the carnitas for dinner– just to make sure it’s delicious.) And IT IS.

I’ve said it before, and I may say it again, there is something about a deadline that allows me to focus in a way I’m not always capable of without said deadline. The meeting we had scheduled with our dear friend and officiant this evening was a very real and looming deadline for me and the writing of my vows. (Technically they were supposed to be done).

A sticking point for me over the last couple of weeks has been those pesky vows. It’s only been in the last week that I’ve written anything down for them– and I’ve felt weird about them and like they’re not as good as my partners’. I’ve felt really judgmental of what I’ve written, and strangely insecure about sharing them. This evening I finally allowed myself to talk to my partner about the experience I’ve been having with them. I explained to him that for the last several weeks– since I’ve had the concept of “wedding vow” in my head, I keep hearing my ex-husband recite one of our vows over and over again in my head. And I can’t help but think that I failed in keeping that vow. Immediately.

I think it’s time to let myself off the hook for this. I think I need to acknowledge that when I got married for the first time at the tender age of 23, I didn’t have a CLUE what I was getting myself into– and the vows we wrote and recited reflected that. They were fanciful and carefree. They reflected an innocence and naivete. They were lovely in concept and lacking in substance. They were exactly what they could be for those two sweet young people who were desperately trying to become adults. All of that has brought me to a place in writing these vows where I want to take them very seriously. I have considered them carefully. I don’t want to break them. It’s making writing them a really challenging task, shutting down any sort of creative spark in relationship to them because I DON’T WANT TO MESS THIS UP.

What I love about the vows my partner has written is that they’re playful and mixed with the reality of our relationship and arrangements that we’ve already made but not explicitly stated. They are true to who we are as a couple and they are rooted in the practical while also acknowledging a much larger love. They’re sweet and thoughtful and written by a grown man who tried this whole marriage thing once before and learned a few things in the process.

Talking to him about our vows and acknowledging the one I keep hearing over and over in my head from my first wedding helped open something up in me. I turned to a completely new page in my notebook and slowly my playful yet practical vows began pouring out. This is again the perfect metaphor for how our partnership works. Opening up to him always makes things easier. I cannot find fault with that. I can only rejoice in it (and potentially write a vow about it– BOOM!)

My vows are still a work in progress, but they feel a lot lighter than they did a few hours ago. And I don’t feel ashamed of them (which seems like a step in the right direction). As a matter of fact if I had to get married two minutes from now, I would totally read them as they are and feel perfectly fine.

As it is, I’ve got four days and counting– and I will feel so much more than fine when reading my vows to that incredible man I’m lucky enough to be marrying.