A Completely New Page

These days seem to be getting longer each one a bit more than the last– or perhaps I’m just existing within a strange time warp. The awesome part of this time warp however is that it seems to be in my favor. I feel effective and efficient and as though time is slowing down to accommodate me and all the things I have to get done. The universe is giving me a gift and I am accepting it with open arms and immense gratitude. Through a fortunate series of events I only ended up seeing one client today. With the rest of the day all my own I focused my full attention on procuring wedding wares.

After I completed said procurement I got out my trusty Instantpot and got to cooking some carnitas. We are one step closer to a completed taco bar (though we did end up eating some of the carnitas for dinner– just to make sure it’s delicious.) And IT IS.

I’ve said it before, and I may say it again, there is something about a deadline that allows me to focus in a way I’m not always capable of without said deadline. The meeting we had scheduled with our dear friend and officiant this evening was a very real and looming deadline for me and the writing of my vows. (Technically they were supposed to be done).

A sticking point for me over the last couple of weeks has been those pesky vows. It’s only been in the last week that I’ve written anything down for them– and I’ve felt weird about them and like they’re not as good as my partners’. I’ve felt really judgmental of what I’ve written, and strangely insecure about sharing them. This evening I finally allowed myself to talk to my partner about the experience I’ve been having with them. I explained to him that for the last several weeks– since I’ve had the concept of “wedding vow” in my head, I keep hearing my ex-husband recite one of our vows over and over again in my head. And I can’t help but think that I failed in keeping that vow. Immediately.

I think it’s time to let myself off the hook for this. I think I need to acknowledge that when I got married for the first time at the tender age of 23, I didn’t have a CLUE what I was getting myself into– and the vows we wrote and recited reflected that. They were fanciful and carefree. They reflected an innocence and naivete. They were lovely in concept and lacking in substance. They were exactly what they could be for those two sweet young people who were desperately trying to become adults. All of that has brought me to a place in writing these vows where I want to take them very seriously. I have considered them carefully. I don’t want to break them. It’s making writing them a really challenging task, shutting down any sort of creative spark in relationship to them because I DON’T WANT TO MESS THIS UP.

What I love about the vows my partner has written is that they’re playful and mixed with the reality of our relationship and arrangements that we’ve already made but not explicitly stated. They are true to who we are as a couple and they are rooted in the practical while also acknowledging a much larger love. They’re sweet and thoughtful and written by a grown man who tried this whole marriage thing once before and learned a few things in the process.

Talking to him about our vows and acknowledging the one I keep hearing over and over in my head from my first wedding helped open something up in me. I turned to a completely new page in my notebook and slowly my playful yet practical vows began pouring out. This is again the perfect metaphor for how our partnership works. Opening up to him always makes things easier. I cannot find fault with that. I can only rejoice in it (and potentially write a vow about it– BOOM!)

My vows are still a work in progress, but they feel a lot lighter than they did a few hours ago. And I don’t feel ashamed of them (which seems like a step in the right direction). As a matter of fact if I had to get married two minutes from now, I would totally read them as they are and feel perfectly fine.

As it is, I’ve got four days and counting– and I will feel so much more than fine when reading my vows to that incredible man I’m lucky enough to be marrying.

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